In April this year, I really started losing my mind.
But was it as bad as I thought it was?
In hindsight, no.
However, in that moment, it felt as if the world had stopped turning. I was overwhelmed with anxiety, depression, fear, and anger.
I tossed and turned over leaving an amazing, steady job in the middle of a pandemic.
A montage of painful memories throughout the entire course of my life flooded my mind.
I began asking God
if He was really there.
if He had forgotten me.
if I was just…invisible.
“What’s wrong with me?”
Forgetting that I was clothed in strength and dignity, I gave into the several moments I felt forgotten and invisible in this world and most importantly, to God.
Not understanding the magnitude of Jesus and his love for us, I gave into complacency.
I desperately opened my bible attempting to understand what I was reading.
I was just so eager to hear something…anything validating my existence and purpose in this world.
But I didn’t understand.
I didn’t understand at all.
So I got a study bible a friend suggested and from there, everything changed.
I actually began understanding what I was reading.
A few things that I truly felt God revealing was,
“I have known you and loved you even before you existed!”
“Though you are slayed, My ways are not your ways…I want to prosper you!”
“You’re not ready for what I’ve got for you.”
“Check yourself, Kat.”
“Open your heart, Kat.”
“Forgive yourself, Kat and forgive others.”
“Kat, move on.”
“Be discerning, Kat.”
Over the course of 6 months, the pain turned into purpose.
Rather than just experiencing life, I began celebrating it.
I began celebrating the best and worst life had to offer as well as the best and worst of myself.
I thanked God for picking me up when I stumbled.
I realized that every single battle I thought I won, had really been vindicated through God.
I didn’t win through my own strength, I won through His.
In this time of struggle and uncertainty, I have harder days than others, but in my heart, I am the happiest I’ve probably ever been…and that says a lot.
I don’t know what’s next for me.
With new goals and passions I aim to meet, I push forward with the desire to be led by the Spirit.
I used to get so mad thinking, “Why do I make these plans only for me to fail myself? Why do I work so hard…only to disappoint myself and others?”
Through so much reflection and time alone with God, that question turned into, “God, how can I serve you? What is the plan you have over my life? How do I be a blessing to others?”
Whatever that plan is, THAT’S what I’ve come to want.
In the middle of losing my mind, I found something better… something greater.
I found peace in the uncertainty.
I found peace in discovering my identity in Christ.
I found peace in my weaknesses and imperfections.
I found curiosity in the plans God has for me.
Although I still stumble and fall, I’m so thankful for the good, the bad, and the in between.
There have been so many hidden celebrations.
More than anything this year, I’m thankful God revealed the answers to my hardest questions.
Thanks, for being here, God.